I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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