I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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