Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
