So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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