She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
