Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
