life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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