I will die if light touches me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
