There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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