I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
