i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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