Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
