Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
