I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
