So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
