At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
