i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
