don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We're too hungover to prance.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
