I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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