is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
