the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
