I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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