i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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