On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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