new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
