Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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