I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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