I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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