god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
