I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
