People in love make me want to vomit
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
