I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We need to get me chipped asap
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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