she was so not down for the gang bang
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The beer is more important than you right now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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