life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
