My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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