Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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