I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
