There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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