dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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