And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
