i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
