Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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