you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
