my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
