FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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