My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
