please come you make the beer taste better
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
