Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
