So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
