I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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