In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i think i have two assholes
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're too hungover to prance.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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