Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
