meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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